In Which Lennon Thinks Like a Man So You Don't Have To....

I haven't quite decided whether there's something being done to the water or pork (Pork's pretty big in the South), but I have come to the conclusion that a lot of women here in the city have all joined some kind of cult. Have you single people ever come to a point where you feel like you're having the same handful of conversations, being asked the same questions over and over again?

"So, what do you do?"
"What's your family like?"
"Are you religious?"

Well, be careful what you wish for because if you get it, there's always the chance you'll wish it came with a cyanide pill. I think there are secret meetings where these (not all, but several) women go and have the same Steve Harvey quotes tattooed to their ass. You've seen them a time or two. They sit at home on Facebook all seemingly posting the same "inspirational" quotes from whoever the latest self help magician is that week.

Take this bullshit for example.....

Now, for those of you thinking "Well, damn, Lennon...why is that bullshit?"...I'll tell you. For those of you who were not, I'll tell you anyway. According to the Steve Harvey School of "All Men Are Knuckle Dragging Cavemen," a woman should make a man wait 90 days before having sex with him.

First of all, the comedian doesn't understand how gold works. Gold is a precious metal. It's in most iPads, iPods, iWhatever, etc. If Steve Jobs has enslaved you to it, it probably has gold components in it. There are fraudsters on Fox News as we speak buying gold from gullible morons for peanuts. Have you ever sold a gold chain to a pawn shop? I have. Try it tomorrow and then tell me how precious gold is. Actually, gold, at it's current street value is very appropriate for where I'm going with this.

Statistically speaking, women globally outnumber men. The numbers may differ, depending on who you ask but that's just a fact. Last time I checked there's at least four women for every one man on the planet. I'm fairly certain that, of those four, all of them have vaginas. I'm not quite sure what exactly is so precious about something if there's four of them for every one of me. You mean to tell me you think it's rational to have a man wait 90 days for sex when the stats shows there's at least three more possibilities for him to get it sooner? It's reasonable to only have to wait five days to buy a gun and shoot someone, but not to perform a natural biological function? If pussy is like a gold mine, then gold mines are like Starbucks. There's one on every street and they're all trying to sell you something you can buy for two bucks cheaper at CVS....which is also on virtually every block.

Furthermore, there is NOTHING magical about 90 days. Nothing. The fact that a man hung around for 90 days until you decided to bestow your "gold mine" upon him doesn't automatically mean he's of a stronger moral fiber that wanted some action after a week. It just means that he's persistent. And persistence doesn't make him a good person either. Godzilla's persistent. Glenn Beck is persistent. The Taliban are persistent. For all you know, he could be having sex with other women while he's waiting. Depending on the state, he could buy a gun and shoot someone ten times over while he's waiting to have sex with you. If he was going to fuck you and leave after a week, a month, two months....he'll fuck you and leave you after 90 days.

Moral of the Story

Steve Harvey isn't teaching women how to obtain and keep a good man. He's teaching women how to hypothetically "train" and maintain a bad one. Because that's what men really find sexy: obedience school. I don't have to read books on how to survive in the Amazon. You know why? I already know how to survive in the Amazon: don't go to the fucking Amazon. If a man wants to fuck you after two days and you don't want to fuck him....then don't fuck him. He'll either masturbate or go find sex somewhere else and you'll be unfucked just like you wanted. Everyone wins.

The crux of the problem is that if your government or Rush Limbaugh shouldn't be telling you how to be a woman, neither should a twice married comedian. Here's an idea. Instead of buying into every self-help fad or scribbling down lists of demands for mates/sexual partners....listen to your heart. Be a real person. If you actually want a twice married comedian who dresses like an evil used car salesman, then disregard this. Otherwise, you might be surprised how far you get listening to that little voice inside the media tells you to ignore and thinking like a grownup.