So, there's this new kid at my job. That's not a term of endearment, either. He's literally a high school senior. There is just nothing that will make you feel old faster than a kid five inches taller than you wearing a varsity jacket from the high school you graduated from ten years earlier. I am convinced that the athletics program there has resorted to just sticking the students in tubes and feeding them hormones intraveneously. He's a nice enough kid, smart, funny and girl crazy in the way that grade school jocks tend to be. I came in work slightly perturbed about my cranky, bedless friend from my last entry and I mentioned to him that there are some women in this world who are, for lack of a better word, insane. The following conversation ensued:
Kid: That sounds like a love thing.
Me: Believe me, kid. It's not.
Kid: Love isn't your thing?
Me: No, I don't do that.
Kid: Everybody does that, don't they?
Me: **sigh** Okay. I've done it before. I've loved two women in my life. In the adult sense, anyway.
Kid: How'd that work out?
Me: One was a rollercoaster that ended halfway amicably. She's a lovely, ambitious, intelligent woman and I wish her the best.
Kid: And the other one?
Coworker: (walks by) We don't talk about her. Ever.
Me: What he said.
Kid: Wow. That sounds serious. I tell girls that I love them, but I don't really mean it. I just say it to...
Now, this is the moment in which my mind was blown. I could see the legitimate lacksidasical innocence in his eyes as he shrugged at his own statement, hear the naivete in his voice. He really didn't see the built in trapdoor of his folly. He had no clue.
Me: Kid, I'm going to tell you something. If you don't remember anything else in this life, I want you to remember this. Listen closely. Write it down and put it in your pocket because later you're going to think I'm a genius.
Kid: Okay.
Me: Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever tell a woman you love her when you don't. No excuses, under no circumstances.....
Kid: Really?
Me: If the fate of the world depends on you telling a woman that you love her when you don't....let the fucker burn.
Kid: What'll happen?
Me: Well, a scorned woman is nothing to fuck with, so it's a little unpredictable depending on the woman. It's Thunderdome. Two enter...she leaves.
Kid: Okay, for example....
Me: Have you ever been waterboarded?
Kid: What?
Me: Try to imagine being bound to a chair with a towel thrown over your face. Your feet are raised and your head is lowered. Someone then begins to pour water on your face. You're flailing with waves and waves of water coming down on you. Your brain knows where you are at first, but as you start to choke, your mouth and nose flooded with water, your brain begins to forget. Your feet can't feel the ground. Your eyes are covered. It's like vertigo. Who's to say where you are anymore? As far as your neurological impulses are concerned, you're drowning.
Kid: .........
Me: Now, think about telling a girl you love when you don't. Let's say she says it first. You say "I love you, too." No harm, right? I mean, you know what you signed up for: pussy. But you didn't think about the things you DIDN'T sign up for. Then, there's that towel over your face as you're hit with waves and waves hand holding, phone calls instead of text messages, public displays of affection, talks you don't really want to have about the "Facebook relationship status situation." Pictures of the two of you together will pop up online and you didn't even know pictures were being taken. You get bombarded. You don't know how it got to this point. You don't know which way is up. It's like vertigo. You're drowning.
Kid: I didn't think about that.
Me: I know. In fact, I'll tell you what. One of the girls is going to come through here and grab her cigarettes before she takes her smoke break. I want you to ask her what she thinks. When you do, note the way her face changes. You ever seen Lord of the Rings?
Kid: Sure.
Me: It's a lot like the way Uncle Bilbo's face changed when he saw the One Ring again.
Kid: It seems like you're being a bit dramatic.
Me: Then, ask her. Prove me wrong.
A minute or so later, like clockwork, she came by with her smokes like I predicted. It's important to point out that the kid happens to have a big crush on this coworker (who has a small crush on me, unbeknownst to him) in particular. It would be cute if he didn't have the slight arrogance and entitlement that comes with being a high school senior and a jock. She, being my age and particularly bitter about men, doesn't find that attractive, so I knew how this would go. Yes, it was a bit dirty and a bit unfair, but with children, you have to make sure you're being heard clearly.
Coworker: Hey, Len.
Me: Hello, darlin.
Kid: May I ask you something? I'm trying to settle a bet between me and a classmate.
Coworker: Sure. What's up?
Kid: So, if this girl tells a guy she loves him, should he say it back?
Coworker: Does the guy love her?
Kid: No, but she's willing to give him the...."goods."
Coworker: (Uncle Bilbo face) NO!!!! NEVER DO THAT!!!! DID YOU DO THAT A GIRL?!
Kid: What? No! Just a wager with a friend. Totally hypothetical.
Coworker: (normal face) Oh. Okay. (walks out)
Kid: How the hell could you know that was going to happen?
Me: I'm a psychic, kid. I'm Professor Fucking X.
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